Isn’t it exciting? The holidays are almost here! I’m sure we’re all looking forward to setting aside our worries and frustrations in favor of lots of cheerful parties, time-honored meaningful traditions with family, and reminders galore of the goodness of our fellow man.
I’m kidding.
Let’s be real. For a lot of us, the holidays aren’t always Hallmark. Many of us have been programmed to imagine everything gets more sparkly during this magical time of the year: office politics disappear, our budgets suddenly expand to meet our gift-giving impulses, our families set aside years of conflict, and our loved ones become even more loving, all at the same time. The promise (fantasy?) of the holidays is big. But when that’s not the case, we’re left with all sorts of uncomfortable feelings: dread, ambivalence, anxiety, even shame. What happens when we admit we’re not feeling it? Well, there’s an actual personification of people like us. He lives just north of Whoville.
We know that:
- 64% of individuals say the holidays make their preexisting mental health conditions worse (NAMI), and 43% report holiday stress interferes with their ability to enjoy the holidays (APA).
- 73% of people with a history of substance use problems report increased urges to use substances during the holidays (Freeman Recovery).
- December and January are the deadliest months for alcohol and drug overdoses (CDC).
A large body of US research shows that LGBTQIA+ folx experience higher rates of substance use disorders and suicidal thoughts than heterosexual and cisgender populations. LGBTQIA+ people are more than twice as likely to experience any mental health disorder, and are about two and a half times more likely to experience depression, anxiety, or substance misuse (APA).
So, if much of the general population is already struggling through the holidays, chances are many of us are really struggling.
Let’s talk about that. First, let’s normalize that holidays can be rough. Quite often, the challenges outweigh the joy. That doesn’t mean we’re not doing the holidays right or that something is wrong with us. It just means that a lot of the factors that are hard for us year-round (family, finances, social FOMO) are given a spotlight over the holidays. Second, let’s normalize admitting the holidays are rough. You know what’s not helpful when I’m just hoping to make it to January without killing my family? Having everyone around me gushing about their holiday gratitude. I know, I know . . . I’m the grinch. But this year, try telling a few people the season is tough for you; I promise it’ll help—both you and them.
Aside from naming it, here are some suggestions to get through the next couple of months:
- Think about your best hangs: the people around whom you can let your guard down, share inside jokes, and talk about your day-to-day irritants without their trying to problem-solve everything. That’s your chosen family. They tend to share your values and appreciate you at your authentic best. Make sure you’re spending time with them this season. Consider planning a special meal or outing with them near the holidays, just to celebrate each other.
- Plan your boundaries around your family of origin ahead of time. What occasions aren’t healthy or fulfilling for you to attend? Any specific people you want to avoid? Would setting time limits or having an escape plan for some gatherings be helpful? Are there people with unreasonable holiday expectations you could be talking to now? Here’s the thing about boundaries: they’re yours and you have the right to set them, even if the other parties don’t like them. Planning them ahead of time will allow you to have the uncomfortable conversations before the actual holidays arrive and emotions are amped up. Look at it as self-care, and invest in yourself.
- Set yourself a holiday budget, whether that means for travel, gift giving, decorating, restaurants, or even self-gifting or impulse buys.
- Don’t let up on the healthy things you’re already doing year-round: exercise, good sleep, lots of water, diet and nutrition. It’s natural to break your good habits a few times during the holidays, but it’s gonna be really hard to turn things around if you throw your hands up and say, “I’ll start again in January!”
If problematic substance use is part of your story, consider doubling down on these suggestions. Because guess what? It’s not just holiday parties causing overdose rates and substance use-related ER visits to skyrocket in December and January—it’s all of those underlying uncomfortable feelings that the holidays bring to the surface. Interpersonal issues, self-esteem issues, anxiety, guilt, and shame . . . it’s the mother lode of triggers all hitting all at the same time.
Here’s to celebrating the good things amidst the tough things, and maybe even finding ways to embrace the suck. You got this. We got this.
