Much more is bandied about regarding the term “transgender” than there is understanding of its lived reality. Even at the highest level, leaders continue to assert that your child could go to school of a morning as Timothy and return that afternoon as Sabrina. Should the threat of in-school ops become too farfetched for even the most gullible, the lies quietly morph to, “…and Timothy will be returned in three days as Sabrina,” completing the trifecta of epiphany, kidnapping, and Josef Mengele vivisection; even though one can’t just cut-and-paste human beings. If Timothy is firmly a boy, he won’t “become a girl,” just a mutilated boy; ditto for a maimed Sabrina. Other pundits insist either “There’s no such thing, people are just pretending!” or, for some reason, “Parents are pushing their kids!”
Gender dysphoria–the inner knowledge that the description on your birth certificate is not congruent with the life you know you should be living–is real, and encompasses more than the binary “M” or “F” on a certificate. This certainty is often perceived very early. Such was the experience of Isabella Tousignant, who shares her journey in her recent memoir. She spoke with Q Minnesota recently about her life’s struggle to transition. Becoming one’s self is neither easy nor undertaken on a whim, as you will see in her discussion of The Uninvited Passenger.
How would you answer the question, “What is ‘transgender?”
There is the clinical definition and the lived experience. The clinical is defined as being of one gender physically, and the opposite mentally/emotionally/spiritually. It is a constant knowledge that you are different than your physical presence. The lived experience is a struggle within yourself to reconcile that reality and recognize you cannot escape your true self, and eventually making the necessary changes.
Why did you write The Uninvited Passenger when you did?
I was living in the Chicago area when I transitioned. I was doing a long writer’s workshop there and we were all required to write a chapter to submit to the rest of the students near the end of the courses. I decided to write about my experience struggling with gender issues while in Catholic grade school. The chapter was well reviewed, and the instructor suggested I write a memoir, which I had been considering. As I began, things heated up politically and the rhetoric/lies about transpeople ramped up to a point that was destructive to myself and many people I knew. I decided to write the book in such a way that not only showed the common humanity all people share, but what the realities of being a transperson are through the course of a lifetime of denial. I hoped to counter the lies the far right was perpetrating by documenting my own experiences with self-denial and loathing through many years of living, until finally accepting my truth and transitioning at a later stage in life. I also hoped to shine a light on the absolute reality of trans while explaining the feelings through lived situations and lots of dialog with a goal of educating people who have trans loved ones or are struggling themselves. I wanted to challenge the myth that my choices were not made on a whim or some snap decision, but rather a lifetime of dealing with it, however I could, to survive.
What do you say to those who insist a kid–or adult–is “Just imagining it,” or “Will grow out of it”?
This is a pet peeve of mine. There are those who will not be convinced regardless, but I would ask them to consider my experience. I tried; believe me I tried, to ‘grow out of it’ or ‘get over it,’ finally transitioning at the age of 63. My life is a testimony to the fact you cannot run from this reality. We are who are, without escape.
When did the first excitement of going out on Halloween in exaggerated female costumes change to wanting/needing to wear daily those garments that would suit the soon-to-be Bella?
After a long Halloween weekend in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, going out several times in ‘costume,’ I strongly felt the disconnect from myself when I returned home to the doldrums of male apparel and expression. I became depressed and sought out therapy. That is when everything changed and I realized exactly what I needed to do. I had felt so ‘right’ for so many days, I could no longer deny myself the need to live as my true self. I wrote about this incident in the book.
You mentioned your delay in transitioning. Is it possible that growing up with a crew of male siblings, joining in their fun, and having loving parents you didn’t want to disappoint, would be factors, plus the advantage of being male, financial and otherwise, in your various occupations?
This is an excellent question and touches on most of the reasons I waited so long and denied the realities.
For so many years, I did not even see the possibilities. I never let myself imagine I would ever be able to become the woman I am.
My developmental years involved a wonderful closeness to the three brothers closest to my age. We had our own friends, but we did lots together as well. If there was a game or a way to compete, we were involved. We were very physical kids and often teamed up against neighborhood rivals. To say we were competitive is underselling it. We challenged each other to be our best.
We also had a great sense of humor in common which was a big part of daily life. But, as much as I enjoyed our times together, that made it more difficult to deal with whatever was going on inside myself. I would never admit it to myself for fear of being found out and losing their companionship and love. As a kid, there is no way of reasoning that they love you whatever you do, you only feel the fear of losing them.
As far as the monetary advantages in business as a male, there’s no question that that kept me from changing. Most of the businesses I was involved in were very male-dominant, and I surely would have been rejected. Even if I’d been a cis-woman, I’d have not been accepted. But a transwoman? No possibilities of survival.
Was Christine Jorgensen (transitioned 1952) the first transgender individual you knew about?
Yes, she was, and I was dumbfounded when I read about her and saw her picture. Until then, I had no idea one could physically change genders. I could not believe it was possible, and was obsessed with learning more, but the information was just not available. It was perplexing. I craved to know how this could be possible, yet knew it would never be anything I could do in my world. This was something exotic and extremely rare. I daydreamed about circumstances where I could do it but knew it to be impossible for me. It was a double-edged sword of hopefulness and frustration.
You and Trish had had a long and loving relationship and marriage before you transitioned. While there were difficulties, they were overcome. Do you think many couples can do that?
When I was in therapy, my doctor warned me that maybe fifty percent of couples survive this and that worried me. That percentage may have changed by now, but it’s not an easy thing to go through. It requires a very strong bond and trust.
What changed, what turning point or crossroads allowed you to make your decision? Did it start with your seeing the therapist while Trish was away on vacation?
Yes, absolutely. Earlier you asked when I felt the need to seek out change and I explained the breaking point, but the therapy was the turning point.
Directed to Trish: How did your perception of yourself and Bella change as you faced the coming realities?
Trish: At first, I didn’t know how to process this. Who would I be now? Would I still be the wife, would people perceive me as a lesbian? As the changes took place, I saw myself as a ‘momma bear’. I became protective of her and was quick to defend any comments or stares. This was instinctive and I was a bit surprised at myself.
Directed to Trish: What did each of you fear most?
Trish: Initially, I feared we would not stay together, Bella would leave me for a man. I had no idea transgender was not about sexuality, but about identity. I worried about how friends and families would see us. How many people in our lives we would lose. Where would we live safely? Would Bella be safe from all the haters out there. So many social concerns, it was overwhelming.
Bella: That Trish would not love me any longer and wouldn’t stay with me. I feared losing her more than anything. I worried about my business, losing all those years of building trust with customers and manufacturers I sold for. Would I no longer be in business or even employable? What would my siblings think of me now? Would people believe I’d been lying to them all of these years? Like Trish, I was worried what I would be in our relationship, where we would live safely. Could we possibly be happy anywhere now? Would we have any friends left?
What would you say to another couple facing this decision?
Know that you have a strong trust between each other and love each other enough to face some difficult times. Also know that it will strengthen your relationship once you get past the initial tough times. The payoff has been tremendous for us in the long run. We found out who are real friends are and made some amazing new ones along the way. I am so much more at ease with myself and the world around me.
What do you want the average reader to take from your book?
In addition to what I answered about why I wrote the book, I’d add that trans people are just human beings like everyone else. We live, love, succeed, fail, experience loss, and have the same range of emotions as everyone else. We are not mentally ill as charged by the idiot right, we are not terrorists, as accused by declaration of the president, and we are productive members of society.
Thank you Bella and Trish for sharing with Q Minnesota.
Copies of The Uninvited Passenger are available directly from Bella at theuninvitedpassenger.com.
